Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Vetting Sarah Palin for VP

News is, three days after picking her, McCain is finally sending a team of lawyers to Alaska to vet Sarah Palin for Vice President.

I've just been handed a fax containing the lawyer's questions. Here they are:

1. How many racy photos are out there of you running for Miss Alaska? And can my kids get some?

2. What did you have to do to get Vin Deisel signed up on the Alaska border patrol with those cool snowmobiles to fend off the pesky invading Russian hordes? (Oh...sorry, that's the plot to Babylon AD).

3. What exactly is in "Moose Tracks"? You don't own any ice cream stocks, do you?

4. If Jesus Christ showed up with a protest sign outside the Republican convention seeking airtime on the national networks, the proper response would be:

a) "Praise God!"

b) "I'm a personal friend of Jesus Christ, and you, sir, are no Jesus Christ."

c) "Any claim that this is actually Jesus Christ is irresponsible journalism purpetrated by the liberal mainstream media."

d) "I've got two black riding boots and a dead moose in the trunk that says you can't take me on, bucco."

No - sorry, that's a trick question. The correct answer is none of the above - it's to say, in all cases, "Campbell Brown is a liberal media hack."

5. We found a polar bear blanket in your home. We suggest you quitely burn it.

6. Please repeat the following words while keeping a straight face:

"John McCain is a maverick"

"I'm not bitter about guns and God - I love guns and God!"

"John McCain knows how to make tough decisions under fire."

"Only the un-American loony left and would claim that being a born-again, no-sex-ed-teaching mother of five able to serve macaroni and cheese for dinner while simultaneously being governor of 600,000 God-fearing Eskimos and oil drillers living on the remote edges of the no-way-in-hell-is-the-polar-ice-cap melting tundra doesn't make me fit to step in during a time of national emergency to assume the duties as Commander in Chief and leader of the Free World."

(yeah, sorry, that last one was a bit of a mouthful.)

7. We came across a Mr. Jones, of Wasilla, who claims that about your executive decision that the post office should close at 5pm, instead of remaining open till 6pm as per historical precident, provoked controversy on the grounds that it took him forty-five minutes to walk to the post-office from his cabin and if you were to change the time from 6pm to 5pm he would not be able to catch the 4pm broadcast of Entertainment Tonight, as the 7pm broadcast was too late for him given his nervous bladder condition; nevertheless, you changed the time. Is he someone who can safely have an ice-fishing accident between now and November? And can you explain in five words how this decision shows you are more experienced to be President than Barack Obama?

8. Any more preggers in the family we don't know about? (sorry, gotta ask)

Ok - well, can't think of any more questions. That should do it.

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