Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Installing Husband 1.0 and Wife 1.0

Making the email rounds today - for all you newlyweds out there - here are some system manuals on your new appliance.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?




First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6 .2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0

Good Luck!

Tech Support


Request for Technical Support, Incident #99-02-14-01 (Installing Wife 1.0)

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes. At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, the new program has spawned a couple of unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I was considering going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there does not seem to be a “revert to previous state” feature.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

Can you help me?

Registered User #10-1-13-5-19

Response to User #10-1-13-5-19, Incident #99-02-14-01

We receive many inquiries to this perceived problem. However it is almost always the result of a common error.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. This is a serious misconception. Although Wife 1.0 includes many Utilities and Entertainment functions, Wife 1.0 is actually an entire Operating System. It has been designed to run everything.

Warning! Do not try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Many have tried “workarounds.” These only complicate the situation. For example, some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist. Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE then hit the Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs. In any case avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. To free up CPU time and improve performance, be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines. Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration. Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential. There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

No comments: